Alright: Stifle your guffaws, because this is serious stuff.

We all know that consumption of modern wheat and grains is associated with an astounding list of health problems, such as acid reflux, joint pains, behavioral and learning difficulties in children with ADHD and autism, depression, eating disorders like bulimia and binge eating, diabetes and pre-diabetes, and on and on. But the signature abnormality, the one clear-cut red flag on the surface: the infamous wheat belly, the probuterant “love handles” or “muffin top” that hints at underlying visceral fat, a hotbed of inflammation.

So how might John or Mary Q. Public know when they’ve got one? Well:

You might be a Wheat Belly when . . .

You haven’t been able to look straight down and see your toes since high school.

You thought pizza with low-fat cheese was a perfect healthy meal.

You thought you’d pass some gas quietly and unnoticed, only to realize it was the solid discharge of last night’s pasta dinner.

You can navigate traffic hands-free, maneuvering the steering wheel just by shifting your butt left or right.

You think a dinner of whole grain pasta, Italian bread, and tiramisu is a well balanced diet.

You’ve laughed and popped your jeans open.

You considered shoving a little kid aside so that you could get the last muffin at the breakfast bar.

You have to ask your husband to read your weight on the scale.

You dread putting on socks or pantyhose as much as a colonoscopy.

Your dental hygienist puts on a Haz-Mat suit to clean your teeth.

You believe that sprouting wheat seeds in water and labeling them with a God-like name magically transforms them into a healthy food.

You go to Krispy Kreme and they greet you by your first name.

You thought a bowl of sawdust every morning disguised as bran cereal was essential for healthy bowel movements.

You’ve remarked, “Why eat dinner?” after eating all the bread and rolls the waitress served before the entree.

You think fast food can be healthy if you just don’t eat the fries.

You thought a caramel macchiato with a reduced-fat banana chocolate chip coffee cake at Starbucks was a chic breakfast.

You only have to fill the bathtub halfway.

You thought Lite beer was the greatest invention since sliced bread.

You’ve often thought that McDonalds was underrated.

You ate the last half-donut in the box at work.

Okay, okay. You see that I could go on forever with this. (Thinking about this stuff, I couldn’t help hearing comedian Jeff Foxworthy’s voice: “You might be a redneck when . . . “)

Can you come up with any?

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